I've been wanting to write a new post since it's been so long. But also not really wanting to write one because it can be hard to know what to say. Many of you have navigated here through Reece's Rainbow looking for adoption news, and that's the most uncertain thing in my life.
Why?
I have wanted to adopt. And I had an idea of what it would look like. In fact, in 2009 I had an idea of what it would look like. And in 2010 it had changed a little. In 2011 it had changed a little more. In 2012 it was still morphing a bit. And when we decided to take the plunge and begin paperwork, I had my 2013 idea of what it would look like. But I didn't know what child might be ours.
So many orphans, but just one to join our family. Who, God?
We looked at country programs and we looked at waiting child lists. But who, God? Show us.
We saw Stellan's profile. And I couldn't get that little boy out of my mind... and we felt peace with pursuing that one little boy... so left-field.
Never would I have imagined we would pursue adopting a child with such significant special needs and so many unknowns. Furthermore, as we were heading to our biometrics appointment with Immigration, we were notified that he is actually two years older than we had believed when we began the process. Two years older than the maximum age we would have considered. If his birthday had been listed correctly, I do not think this is the course we would have taken.
But here is what is constantly blowing me away: it seems so fitting that God would take my willingness and do with it as He sees fit. Not my plans. Not my parameters. But His. That He would take what I wanted and turn it on its head and give me what He would have for us.
The uncertainties I feel are just that: uncertainties. I do not know what will happen. I do not know how things will go when we meet him. If we bring him home, I do not know if things will work out well in the end. I feel so strongly that God is in this. I look at how very different this picture is from what I would have imagined for us and I see Him behind it all.
I do not know what the future holds. I do not know if we might fail in some way. I know that changes are coming and times may be difficult. All I can currently do is continue to move forward, though I do not feel that I have the confidence that I see so many other adoptive families expressing. I am entering a giant unknown world and we are moving one step at a time. In faith.
Faith. Which reminds me. And I will end on this:
I have a wonderful friend that was praying for us and about us and, I'm not trying to sound wishy-washy spiritual or something and I'm also going to totally misquote here, but what came to her was that God does not necessarily expect every person to adopt, but that He does want our faith and obedience. Faith and Obedience. From the moment she shared this whatever-vaguely-like-this-thing-I-just-shared-was, I cannot remove those two words from my mind. They feel so powerful there and seem to resonate. And I am a girl that typically needs to see words to remember them. He desires our Faith and Obedience.
