Working on it.

First, found out that Matt has had private insurance as an option through his contracting company this whole time.  --Guess we maybe talked about it last year, but I don't remember.--  And, praise the Lord for working out timing!  Matt just happened to have been switched from contractor to consignment worker so for thirty days we have the option to change our benefits, meaning... we have the option to add private medical right now!

We're getting paperwork in, getting notarized what needs to be notarized.  We actually sent our fingerprints in at the beginning of the month so our, listen to this, "Application for Certification to Adopt" was filed with the court about a week ago.  Meaning, our home study should be finished about three months from now.

I would like to share more about the little boy that has captured our hearts, but we're still getting all of our documents in to solidify that we're working on adopting him.  I should be able to share about him within a week from now.  At the same time, now that we're actually doing this, I am terrified of sharing too much online that would somehow jeopardize this process.  I'm still figuring out what to or not to share.

And on a final note, can I just say how much I am looking forward to this child?  To getting there and scooping him up?  I feel like we've always wanted a special needs child.  Which is crazy--because we haven't.  But I feel like this is always what we've desired now that we're planning and preparing for our new addition.  And friends, this is so 100% God.  I'll share more later, but since moving forward for him, I have discovered that there have been a lot of people praying for this little boy for almost a year now.  (And maybe more before that.)

I have read so many amazing adoption stories about children where it was evident the power of prayer was moving to get these children to their families and to get them home.  And it is so beyond humbling to think that God would use us to answer the prayers for a little boy.  Seriously, I just can't fathom that out of all of the families in the world, God would think, "Hmm, I should give this child to them."  Really.  But he's so on our hearts, I can't see any other explanation.  So humbling.

And yes, we are not even verified as adopting him yet.  And honestly, things will still be sort of up in the air until we travel to his country.  So it's arguably premature to even share this much, but we are committed to adopting him.  And there is always the chance that something could go wrong, but regardless, we are working on it.

Once there were oleanders.

Then they were gone.

Getting documents notarized at the bank the other day while the kids played on the floor and she asked, "So you're adopting all three?"   ;)

Adoption: Go Big or Go Home

I have heard people say that they've thought about adopting, but that they're pretty content where they are.  Which is an interesting view of adoption.  That we only adopt because we want another child--because we're not content with the children we currently have.  (And I know that this is why some people adopt--not hating on that at all.)

Now Matt and I's adoption journey has taken a hard left and we are contemplating a child with cerebral palsy.  And let me tell you, it's not because I just need the challenges of a child with significant special needs to feel contentment.  In fact, I am ridiculously content.  I don't need any more children at all.  I'm so comfortable, that knowing how comfortable I am makes my heart yearn to push myself for Jesus, to be His hands and feet and comfort.

Because I don't think that Jesus rubbed elbows with the sinners and the broken to die dirty and painfully on the cross so that I can know Him, fill my heart with Him, be complete in Him, comforted through Him, and in turn sit comfortably in my uber-nice suburban home, with my three easy children, my white collar husband, and my contentment.

Can I just say that as my heart has opened for the orphan, it's like (and this is going to sound stupid, but accurate) a crowbar was shoved into that opening and someone has been wrenching and wrenching and wrenching it open further?  In a post last January, I wrote that my heart had grown and grown and grown and grown toward adoption.  And I guess it has continued.

Because when we started this process one month ago, I thought we were going to send a dossier to Moldova to be matched with a child.  (I <3 Moldova!) Then we recently received word that things have really slowed down there and that we should look for a different program.  So my heart began to be wrenched open toward Africa, and we were thinking that is where we would perhaps be looking.  I started looking at waiting child lists and inquiring about boys that might fit our family:  July 2008 or younger--so Titus can remain the oldest and possibly with minor special needs.

And then yesterday I remembered another waiting child list and thought I should at least look at it, though most likely I wouldn't see a "fit" because these children have greater special needs.  And one stood out.  Stood out.  And we are seriously considering this, people.  In fact, we're really serious.  But another family could still come forward for him or something might not work out with our requirements, etc., okay, or let's be real, we could change our minds or something.

I don't want to say too much yet, because I do not know what we are doing.  But I should write about this because it hurts my heart that this is still happening today.  In some child institutions or orphanages, if you're born with a disability, you might be considered worthless.  Or considered not worth the effort.  And while the other kids might get to go outside and play, you might be confined to a crib in a backroom of the orphanage, where there is just one small window, and it reeks in your room, and you lay in your crib, sometimes in your urine and feces, and there are absolutely no toys to play with.  And because of this, you haven't even been given a chance to develop in the ways that other kids have.  

From this blog, one mother cites another that adopted from the same orphanage:

A mom who rescued two children from his [her adopted son] orphanage describes the room: "This room is reserved for ‘the worst of the worst.’ The children with the most severe special needs. They are deemed completely worthless...the children that nobody would ever adopt. They are literally kept hidden from the world, except for a few of us who get a very small glimpse. Even volunteer therapy groups are discouraged from going into this room. They are told not to bother."

She also says about the boy: "It didn't appear that his special needs were near severe enough to warrant his fate in this awful room. He also looked entirely too big to be kept in such a small crib. He was always quiet and calm. He looked at me, seemed engaged, and could move around in his crib as his gaze followed me around the room."

And I've known that there have been such places, but I guess part of me thought they had gone away and improvements were being made.  And maybe part of me just wasn't thinking about it, as I contemplated our minor special needs child, that would not have cognitive disabilities.  And now we're pushing ourselves even deeper into the power of Christ... because we can't do it... but He can...

And I don't know why I don't usually do this, but I have a few prayer requests:

1.  For the children wasting away alone in cribs without stimulation.  For God's hand to be upon them and comfort in them and protection and love and families.

2.  That a position with Charles Schwab would open up soon for Matt.  He is currently a contractor so we do not have benefits (they love him though), but if he could get a position with benefits we would have good health insurance which would be a blessing as we look at this avenue.

3.  That our oleanders would come out easily and that the roots would not re-sprout.  The landscaper we hired to remove our oleanders had some trouble with the bigger ones so he is coming back next Tuesday with some different equipment to finish the job.

4.  For my brother, Tyler, and his fiance, Destiny, who are expecting a baby (I'm going to be an aunt!) this summer.

Where Babies Come From

A friend of mine has a son who is exactly one day older than Titus.  We're talking 4 year olds, people.  And she just posted that her son asked her where babies come from.  (Cannot wait to hear her answer.)  And interestingly enough, I was just having this conversation with Titus a few days ago.

It started when I was looking for a particular video on our computer.  I was having a lot of trouble finding it, so I started clicking through them.  One that began to play was an ultrasound of Ella.  The kids were watching this search and Matt and I remarked that it was a video of Ella in Mommy's tummy.  Well, I suppose this got Titus' brain whirling...

He asked to watch the video again since we had only been clicking through and I obliged.  Unfortunately it ended up just being a bunch of measurement stuff, mostly just the four chambers of Ella's heart.  And the kids really wanted to see her.  So I found a picture of Ella in an ultrasound and showed them.  I can't remember what his comments were that night, but the next day...

Robin (Matt's mom) decided to get a jump-start on our painting projects and started Kali and Ella's room.  So Titus and I are also in the bedroom and he starts talking about putting Kali in his belly and giggles at the concept.  Then he's also suggesting that I put Kali in my belly.  And that Daddy should go in his Mommy's belly.  So first thing here:  Titus thinks that you can just put a random person in anyone's belly at any time.

Then he wants to know how you get them in your belly.  Robin, meanwhile, is halfway up a ladder, painting, occasionally looking over her shoulder and grinning at me.

I explain that the baby actually starts out really really tiny and grows until it is the right size and then the mommy has the baby.  So he demonstrates with his hands and tells me that the baby starts out really really small until it grows so big that "Pop!"  Second thing:  Titus thinks that the baby grows inside of you until it literally bursts your belly open and pops out.

I tell him that, "No, the baby doesn't pop out of the belly."

And while I should have seen it coming, but didn't at all, he asks, "Then where does the baby come out?"

Now my mother-in-law looks over her shoulder to send me the biggest grin and it reads that I am 100% on my own with this one.

So I change the subject a bit and explain that, "Well, you go to a hospital and the doctors and the nurses help you."

I think he got distracted by something and the subject changed.  And that luckily, concluded "Where do babies come from?" for the time being.  And I know that's a thing that you hear about, but I really hadn't contemplated just how early that conversation could come or how, yeah, duh, of course a child is going to be curious about this.  And I will continue to give truthful (age appropriate!) answers as time goes by.

*brow wipe*

America the Beautiful

Robin is visiting us this week to help us paint our house--lots of painting--I'll show off some pics when we're done!

Tonight we went to Organ Stop Pizza, because we love it there and it's a great place to bring guests and visitors.  (Friends, come visit and I guarantee I will take you there!)

Anyhow, tonight we're sitting at our table listening to the music when I notice that random groups of people around the huge dining room have stood up in unity and solemnity.  So I realize that the organist must be playing "O Canada".  (Arizona has a lot of Canadian representation--especially since the housing crash created an ideal time for northerners to buy summer homes.)  "O Canada" moves into "God Bless America" and no one else stands up.  And I can't help but think that all of these Canadians are going to think that this particular group of Americans are rather unpatriotic.  (Assuming they are like me and do not especially know the other country's national anthem.)

But then "God Bless America" moves into "The Star-Spangled Banner" and everyone is out of their seat and the lights are up and the American flag is down and my heart fills and my eyes well up.  I love the unity and strength that come from pride in one's country.  For anyone.  For whatever country they belong to.  But I happen to be an American, and despite our flaws, I am proud of what that represents.

Adoption: Beginnings

This is a bit of a big announcement, people.

Cannot believe I'm announcing it... but I'm just not good with secrets... I'm not one of those people...

And there should be a disclaimer for all of the friends and family that we haven't told, which is almost everyone, I am not good at making a phone call to every individual person to tell them news.  I hated doing it when we found out we were expecting, too.  It is so not personal--it's just my personality.  To tell every person that I want to tell that we are starting the adoption process, I would have to make a lot of phone calls.  And I only find time to call friends and family approximately... 3... times a month?  (Hopefully that's more and not less than that--probably I should be setting out to make that number higher.)  So my dearest of friends (and you probably know who you are) and even... umm... lots of immediate family (like our parents) that we haven't necessarily told yet, we LOVE you and we want you to know!  And I totally feel like that is exactly what I'm doing right now.

Hey, so, umm, did I mention we are beginning the process for adoption?

Craziness.

To me, this is craziness.  From the boy I liked putting the idea in my head in the back of a van on the way to a youth retreat in 2001 to spending a summer in Romania in 2004 to becoming a mother and just knowing my heart was big enough for the helpless, I cannot believe we are actually beginning this journey.

I am not good with big decisions and I am not good with change.  (But I do adapt.)

So anyhow, I cannot believe I'm putting this out here this early.  I honestly planned to wait until we had a referral.  Because between now and then, who knows what might happen?  This just might end up being more transparency on my part when I have to say, "Umm... friends... so we can't adopt now because of such and such problem..."

But I'll take that risk, because I love sharing my life with you all.  And I feel like this is one process where we really need to be surrounded with loving, caring individuals.  (And this is from someone that really strives to be independent of needing others.)

We thought we would owe on our taxes this year and I wanted us to look at beginning adoption after we finished our taxes.  So we put some money away for our taxes and then had a huge discussion one night that culminated in the go-ahead to actually start looking at agencies and programs.  Even though our taxes weren't filed yet.  So I was just sort of kicking the financials around in my head in the meantime.  Then we were able to claim enough deductibles that we are getting a return of $13!  And Matt has been working his butt off this last year.  Literally.  We're talking 1 full time job, 1 part time job, plus freelance tech support for a few additional companies (and family and friends)--and he finds plenty of time for his family!  (Amazing man.)

Needless to say, we have been nailing our debt, but also we have ended up with a little bit of extra savings so that as we begin some of these adoption costs, we're not scrounging to pay each one.  The timing has really been perfect--praise the Lord!

So tonight was our first home study meeting.  It went well.  We received the oodles of paperwork that we need to do.  Seriously.  We even have to do some paperwork on our dogs.  And... we have to remove our giant oleanders from the backyard.  Not that we put the huge poisonous bushes there, but they are kind of pretty... and now they've got to go.  Wasn't expecting that one at all.

But we're doing this.  And it's scary.  But it's also really, really awesome.  And worst case scenario, it disrupts our lives forever is a horrible burden on our family, but we are choosing to love.  If I was an orphan, I would want someone to take a risk and give me a family.  So we pray and we hope and we commit to love our next child.  Pray for us, dear friends.

My dad, the kids and a little airplane in 2011.  Goodbye, oleanders.