I'm subscribed to the RainbowKids email list and look forward to seeing their newsletter in my inbox each week. I look at waiting children and pray for them. And I love to read adoption stories. This one, written by a girl adopted from Korea, made me cry. I also stumbled upon See Jamie blog. and loved reading about the adoption of their daughter, Lindsey.
I don't know if we'll ever adopt someday. But I think about it. And I pray about it. Which is maybe a little odd since we have three kids under three and now is not the time to throw a fourth into the mix. But maybe someday.
And I just had a thought today that I'm going to go ahead and share, though it's a little embarrassing. This last week, things with Kali have been more and more difficult. I really need to do some research on the best way to squelch her fits now. Matt tries to assure me that things were difficult with Titus around this time and that Titus used to throw lots of fits, but here is the difference: Okay, maybe Titus threw lots of fits (I don't really remember), but he could get over them. Kali will throw one fit and NOT get over it.
I'm surprised by how difficult the last few days have been. Yesterday was good--throughout the day I complimented her for not throwing fits, tried to remind her that she was going to be good and not have fits as she started to throw one, and at one point reminded her to use words and say "Mommy" when she needed me instead of making one of her growly-screechy noises. And it seemed to work. But today we're back to these long, hysterical fits that I don't think will end.
And as I read a few adoption stories, I realized something that frightened me. If Kali was adopted, I would think she had all kinds of issues. I would think that this behavioral acting-out was a result of her being adopted. So it was really a wake-up call that if we ever do adopt, I need to remember this, and first look to the mere fact that the child is a child before jumping all over difficult-adoption explanations.
When my high school students throw fits, a couple of things help: 1) Giving them a choice. (i.e. You can either continue throwing this fit and not get dessert tonight, or you can start acting correctly and eat dessert with the rest of the family. Or You are choosing to throw a fit right now which means that you will be sent to the naughty chair. Do you want to be sent to the naughty chair?)
ReplyDelete2) Giving them time to cool down. (i.e. You are throwing a fit right now. I can't be a good mommy to a little girl that throws fits. I'm going to walk away and I want you to take 10 deep breaths and calm down. I'll come back when you're done and we can talk about what is bothering you.)
Just some thoughts from a teacher's perspective. I have NO illusions that I really know how to parent, thought. ;)
Love you!! (and your cute little blog, too.)
Thank you, Clesta! I'll think about what you said a little more. The reason Kali is so frustrating is that it seems consequences do not matter to her. She jumps into fit mode and stays there. I do consequences and time outs, etc., but she just doesn't care. She's wrapped up in her fit and wants to be held, but I don't want to reward her for her fit. Or we'll ask her to say "sorry" or "please" and she'll just look at you and say "no". And then the consequences for her disobedience turn into a fit. :S Ahh!
ReplyDeleteI should clarify: And then the consequences for her disobedience turn into a fit and she is still 100% committed to not doing what we want her to do. She just hangs out in her consequences while continually refusing to do the one thing that she knows will end it.
ReplyDeleteClesta, I love your comment. It is sad that you can handle silly highschoolers in the same manner as toddlers...but it is true:)
ReplyDeleteAlissa
I just have to say Shilo that I have heard of too many people who have children like this. My sister has a very strong willed child and I think she has read a few books on how to deal with it. Maybe do a google search on how to deal with a strong willed child and hopefully you can get some good information! I am glad I have it semi easy now with Aaron as he is fairly laid back but know if we have more kids I will get it :)
ReplyDeleteIt finally let me leave a comment. Success!
ReplyDeleteHave you read The Mission of Motherhood and The Ministry of Motherhood? Highly recommend them if you haven't. Both really taught me to address the heart of the child not just the behavior of the child. They taught me to look at misbehavior as a heart issue that the child is struggling with. With tantrums, things that come to mind are struggling with impatience or selfishness or not honoring your parents. Anyway, it's not a magic pill but it gives you a foundation built on Biblical truths to frame your discipline around. I find a short, easy to remember Bible verse for those tough behaviors and then teach them to the child who needs it and use it when I pray for my kids during their quiet times. As to the adoption bit, it is so good to go in with your eyes wide open, with the understanding that your life may not look like what you thought it might after an adoption. Karyn Purvis who is a respected therapist gives the statistic that 1/3 of adopted kids transition well, 1/3 have some difficulties, and 1/3 have deep seeded troubles. I would say I have 1 who transitioned almost seamless and one who struggled in some minor ways. But adoption will always be a part of our lives and will always influence who my kids are.
ReplyDeleteI love you Shiloh!
ReplyDeleteI don't know if this helps but trinity is the same. It started around the time Gabriel was born and until recently it was daily. In the last few months she has desided to be a "big girl" like natasha and the tantrums have stopped mostly, unless we turn PBS kids.com off the laptop, but other then that. So there is hope...
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